My good friend, over lunch, was asking me for advice about how to handle an issue she felt she was having with a friend. She wondered if she could be honest or should she just let it go. We have all been there in our friendships wondering how to get over hurts or disagreements. My need has always been to resolve things because I don't like messy; I have always felt uncomfortable if all my relationships were not in a positive place. Imagine trying to balance all my relationships and expecting none of them to ever change or be challenged. I like organized, but really its always been me wanting everyone to be happy with me.
What I am trying out is asking myself the question: Do I have to react to this situation as its happening? Obviously we must sometimes, like when a pie is coming at someones face, or a murderer is trying to get in, but there are situations that can work out for themselves. How about if my friend lets the friendship sit for awhile without worrying about its destination? AND, how did I become so wise?
My new goal is the look at the relationships in my life individually and handle things as needed. No more frantically running around worrying if everyone is happy. Oh my gosh it has been my story my whole life - same scenarios playing over and over. I can resist the urge to make it all better. Sometimes a friendship or relationship can be forced into a place where it isn't comfortable anymore. Sometimes the right thing to do is nothing. Letting things go a little bit is a path less traveled for me and it almost feels decadent after a lifetime of thinking I had some control over everyone in my life.
With my children, my role really is as guide; loving, supportive guide. I can not force my child to stay with something if he or she chooses against it, I can not judge my child for his or her decisions because it is what I would have done, or even worse, a mistake I made. God forbid they make a mistake. So I am working on nothing. Nothing works.
I like to think of myself as a laid back guy who sits around with pizza boxes all over his apartment. Just kidding. I try to think of myself as a calm, assured, loving force who has faith that everything is going to be alright. (visualization) I also notice that I can apply this new found principle every day in many ways. My daughter was a little fresh to me the other day - and for once I am waiting for the right moment to talk to her. I also have some brilliant advice for my son - also waiting till the right moment. Somehow we will all survive.
