Did They Just Take My Uterus?

Why does it sound weird to say uterus? I don't know, but I think when my surgeon removed it, he removed some other things too. One of them (besides Christmas spirit as I jokingly told my daughter), was guilt. Is it possible to live a full life without it?  I have been thinking about this emotion and I really can't think of a use for it. It absolutely has no impact on reality; it only makes you feel bad.  "I feel guilty because my friends are being so nice to me." or "I feel guilty because I am feeling really good right now and you are not." Or "I feel guilty because I am taking all the time I need to rest and recover." In all of those cases, I am not guilty.

The opposite of guilt, by my definition, is freedom. Imagine replacing the word guilt with free. I feel free because I am taking all the time I need to rest and recover.  I feel free when I choose not to speak to you right now. The situations have not changed, just the perception of them. Freedom is sustainable. It allows you to live your life, not the life you think others would have you live.

Case in point: I can sense that my husband John, who has been and continues to be, an enormous help to me during this recovery, is about done. He cooks (a little), cleans (a little more), takes the kids places, does errands (all the time), and continues to do his own important job as well as laundry. But he is ready to move on. Its been two weeks and I can tell he is over me. He is over it. He has checked out. I don't blame him because I know him. I know he is capable of so much love, attention, and devotion for about 10 days, and I  could feel my time ticking away.... Now I know he will stay married to me, just not be my butler anymore. He won't plump my pillows or bring me water either.

The difference for me this time is I feel free to lavish myself with comfort and rest even in the face of the rest of the world trying to pull me back because I am guilt-free.  I am not concerned with feelings of what I should be doing.  I am in my pajamas right now (I won't tell you what time it is, you will be jealous), but it is good.

Could this new found emotion be due to my severed relationship with my womanly hormone producing organs? That may be a stretch (which I am not supposed to do right now).  However, I have been supplementing my progesterone with bioidentical hormones since 2009. I went to see the Hotze Health and Wellness Center in Houston, Texas, desperate for help with my symptoms of PMS and lethargy (part of my ongoing search for balance).  I received top notch service and a full physical workup where they diagnosed me with estrogen dominance and hypothyroidism.  So long story short, I started using the bioidentical hormones prescribed by Hotze and felt somewhat better. The goal was to avoid hysterectomy but in my case I got to the point where I could ignore the symptoms of endomitriosis no longer and had the hysterectomy.

Fast forward to now. I am taking progesterone and testosterone and I just started estrogen last night!!! It is a cream that I rub into an area of skin in a secret place (inner arm or inner thigh - what were you thinking??) It is bioidentical to the estrogen I produce(d) in my own body. It should stop my hot flashes and I like to think maintain my lusciousness forever more.

I think I finally may be on to something, at least in my hormonal search for balance.  So far so good.  Looking forward to longer days, exercise, strength building, replenished energy, but for now I am lazing around watching laundry pile up without a care in the world. Yay me

Look at that man, not a care in the world. Now he is food shopping and pretreating stains....

Chapter 2

Is that bold at age 47 to start Chapter 2? Will I live to 94 1/2?  (doubled my age in case you couldn't figure out my genius at arriving at that number) It doesn't matter does it? Chapters don't have to be an equal number of pages, just the separation of the story into a natural structure. Maybe its really, Part 1 versus Part 11 or Book 1 and Book 2, but either way the story is introduced, we meet the characters, we get sucked into the story in Book 1, and then Book 2 we are completely vested in the events of the characters' lives (this is a good book). All the interesting things happen in Book 2. in Book 1 we see what formed the main  character and Book 2 we see the results.

With that said, I had my hysterectomy.  Am I being too dramatic? I waited till the second paragraph to mention it. It feels dramatic. It is.  I no longer am faced with the aches and pains of endomitriosis, I no longer am faced with inconsistent menstrual cycles, No more PMS (no M!) I can have some control over my hormones. At least I can try to stay in balance on my own without fighting the surges in my own body. Physically and emotionally I plan on feeling much better.

I am still in recovery mode so I don't feel like Superwoman or anything, but  I am surprised to note that my moods haven't changed drastically. I expected to be crying into my pillow or throwing my pillow at my husband, but neither one has happened. I still feel like me. a mellow me, a grateful me.

So more details to follow in this long journey. I plan on filling in some details of Part 1 of my life as I move forward in this blog, but for now I am anticipating Chapter 2. Here are some words I have rarely used that I plan on including in my life: adventure, freedom, boldness. Chapter 2 is the exciting part.

New Year

25 Things I plan to do this year - free flow thinking this is....not feel full after I eat, lift weights, facials every month, massages too, cook more in my crock pot, eat one salad a day, eat healthy proteins, do Pilates regularly,  be more independent, write more, start meditation, redo my closets, start a website, shop less,  put things away, clean my kitchen before bed, stay on a budget, bake more healthy treats, go to Mexico, see some live music, go to the Jersey Shore and relax on the beach, grow a kickass garden, swim in my pool this summer, ride my bike more. See my mom.

Happy New Year!!!