I want to stay home

I have a friend who pushes me out of my comfort zone.  She is really interesting to watch because her comfort zone seems to be ever changing - maybe never really feeling comfortable at all is her zone. I am not one of those people. I strive for home, rest, food. My first instinct is to snuggle, not mingle.

I have a husband who is more social than I am. I am not saying I am antisocial, quite the opposite, what I am saying is many times I don't feel like being social. My husband likes sharing an evening with other people, chatting, throwing around ideas.  I am trying to figure out why I am continually searching for quiet.  Is it my own mind that feels chaotic?  Am I struggling to be peaceful by shutting out the world?  Something to ponder.

As a child I went through a period where I had no friends to call my own. It was a few months between friends, maybe a blip on the screen in a lifetime of friendships. However this time in my life affected me deeply.  I remember wanting it to rain. When it is raining, no one goes out, and no one gets together (I thought) and so staying home is something I would be doing anyway.  This way I could justify staying home with nothing to do. That feeling has never left me.  I associate comfort with rain.

What I have learned from my friend is that doing something new and unexpected has many benefits.  It exhilarates you.  Wow, going to a concert after a blizzard is really fun!  We wore cozy sweatpants and boots and braved the cold, white world.  I was rewarded. Recently, my sister was visiting and we arranged to meet in NYC for dinner.  It was raining steadily all day.  I texted her, trying to entice her to come to my cozy home.  No way!  she said, I love the rain and I need a cannoli! Okay then. Off we go. So instead of feeling secure in my home, we braved the rain and enjoyed an evening surrounded by lights, people, wine and great food (can you tell I am talking about Little Italy?)  We walked with our umbrellas, then even gave them up and just enjoyed the rain.

Last night on a Sunday (!!!) we went to friends and spent a lovely evening.  I enjoyed easy conversation and did not think of the time.  It is a learning experience for me to break out of my old habits.  I think my desire for comfort and rest is really a defensive technique that I devised years ago that just isn't relevant anymore. I am secure, I have friends, and thank God have all I need at home. I just do not have to run to it all the time. I have to remember that is is waiting for me to return  - from living.

I'm Just Saying

When I was a young woman I was so much less of a complete person than I am today. That is the way it should be of course, though I always wish I could go back and help this girl.

Is this normal? Screaming at my mother and crying uncontrollably? yelling at my boss at work and getting suspended? hating everything about myself and trying on a thousand different outfits and still not feeling right. Feeling sad and not knowing why.  That was me as a teenager.  Is this normal? only feeling all right two weeks out of every month? That was me in college.  How about this? feeling so stressed out that I had to go in my room and breathe deeply so I wouldn't feel like I was losing my mind? screaming at my little children for nothing.  That was me in my thirties.

All of this is my life long struggle with PMS.  Literally I could separate my moods into pre-menstrual, menstrual and post menstrual and pin point exactly when I would feel normal. Premenstrual - insecure, ugly, fat, moody, emotional, hateful and miserable.  Menstrual - bloated, headachy, crampy with a subtle elevation in mood.  Post menstrual - happy, me, the Karen everyone seemed to know and enjoy.  I found out when I was 20 that this existence is not normal. I explained my cycle of moods to my two friends and when I was finished, they looked at me like I was crazy. What? that's not normal?

The pill - I was on it for five years.  I felt different - calmer, but different. When I went off the pill, I felt more like myself.  I did not connect this to PMS.  I felt crazy again, but more like me.  After going off the pill, I could never find a birth control pill that felt even remotely okay again.

Herbs, vitamins, supplements - tried them all - the only one I liked was St. John's Wort but that completely killed my sex drive. Crazy = sexy? Chose crazy not zombie.

Diet - Guess what? sugar makes you crazy. Definitely contributes to mood swings. NO MORE SUGAR.  I went 4 glorious months with absolutely no sugar (boy did I have a flat tummy) but on Halloween I ate a Three Musketeer bar and BAM - back on sugar. I know, its not cocaine but felt kind of like it.  Just not sustainable for me. Wanted it to work. Really did.

Exercise - I love exercise and I do it regularly and have for over 15 years. Does not eradicate PMS. I'm just saying.

Psychologist - Okay, did try that for the first time at age 38, and that my friends was the first tiny step towards my extremely long and unfinished journey to sanity.

The people in my life who know me and love me would not express surprise to read of my struggle. But there may be many people who know me who would.  I seem to be together, even confident, and I guess I am. The secret is that my PMS self is carefully hidden, alone and secluded; only coming out to those who live with me or who dare to enter my cave during that time. Those who have entered usually choose to not enter again till Spring or (post-menstrual).

My mother told me panic attacks and anxiety are gifts - they let you know that something is really bothering you.  I had my first panic attack after driving over the Goethals Bridge to Long Island, NY. (its a really narrow bridge by the way - just saying)   I felt like I had no feet, that I could drive off the road, sweaty palms, beating heart, the whole thing.  It was terrifying and I felt like I limped to my destination, which was to visit my sister.  And do you know what I learned? the fear of a panic attack is worse than having a panic attack. So that is what propelled me to seek some help.

This story continues..

That's the narrow bridge I drove over

Search for Balance - Work

I wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember and it took a little longer to get there, but that was almost 17 years ago.  When I became a mother I felt that I had finally arrived; that I had found what I am supposed to be doing.  The joy I received from this round, fat baby everyday was what I was waiting for.  Yet I still wasn't balanced. I mean who is at that time in their lives? My life was about this baby. Getting him out the door to do anything was a feat, keeping him occupied during long afternoons was my new job.  I was alone a lot due to my husband's job and I felt kind of lonely. Through those years I searched for something that would make me feel fulfilled - and balanced.  I tried selling toys (like Avon, but toys) which involved scheduling "parties", hauling toys, filling out paperwork, trying to get busy women to host their own parties - none of it was fun for me except the actual time I spent with the moms. (one time I forgot to clean the toys and after a party the next group of kids suspiciously all caught the same nasty stomach virus. oops.)  That lasted a year and I ended up with a lot of toys for my own little boy.

I tried teaching gymnastics (no experience) at our local gym.  By now I had two kids who I dragged with me. That worked for a while until my son refused to go. He still had to come, but not fun.  Now this is me looking for balance  - not making a hefty pay check. Wasn't worth it.

I was obviously looking for something - that elusive balance - but what does that mean?  Something that fulfilled me personally, allowed me to be a mom, but also be me. Being a mother is the most fulfilling role I will ever have, but it also is strongly dedicated to service, (as in me serving every body).  I did not yet have the knowledge that nourishing me nourishes every one else too (talk about that later on) So I struggled, feeling stressed and anxious; never done with work but not having anything to call me own.  I always read in self help books that your dream job or life's work should be something that when you are working on it, you lose track of time.  Watching Oprah totally did that for me - not an option; reading, painting a room, eating cake, taking a shower.  There was nothing I had ever done that filled me with deep satisfaction and a blissful loss of time awareness.

On top of all this, there is the element of fear.  Trying something new is scary.  Although I was certified to teach elementary school, I had my son before I got a job as an actual teacher.  I was qualified with no experience and as the time went by became less confident in my ability to teach or even survive a class room. Also, was I going to leave my kids home and teach? Not doing it.

There was a period in my life where decorating, rearranging rooms, painting,  and refinishing furniture satisfied me.  It is true transforming a room gives me a sense of accomplishment and contentment, but as a career it was not my answer. I do not think that my gifts are in creating spaces for other people, however much I enjoy it for myself.

My life became busy. We moved 3 times in 6 years - one of those moves taking us across the country to the West Coast. There is nothing like a life change to throw you off balance.

And so I searched....

Beautiful California

                                                         

Finding a Place of Peace

my daughter is 13 today. My beautiful, confident child who has given me joy every day of her life.  It took me two years to conceive this child, and it was quite a journey.

My son Ryan was born in 1994 after 2 miscarriages, surgery and a 5 month dose of an estrogen suppressant drug called Depo Lupron.  I finally conceived my son and 9 months after his birth was ready to start on the next one.  I had been told that "pregnancy is the cure for endomitriosis" so I thought my days of  infertility were over. After a routine check up at my gynecologist it was discovered that I had a grapefruit sized endomitrioma in my left ovary.  Uh oh, another Laporascopy, which is a procedure that uses a tiny camera inserted into the belly button and smaller instruments inserted into the abdomen to laser endomitriosis adhesions and remove cysts.  Very disappointing news, but since I had success the first time around, I was optimistic.

I had the procedure and proceeded to "try" but did not conceive.  The cyst returned. During the course of this two year period I had 4 laporoscopies, each time removing a cyst that would show up again during the ultrasound. Each month I took follicle stimulating hormones to stimulate egg production and as we looked on the ultrasound for signs of ovulation, a glaring cyst would stare at us from the ultrasound.   Looking back, I am baffled at how we could proceed with the conception process with this awful reoccurring cyst.  My husband patiently underwent whatever was required of him and I persevered.

I began to resent how easy it appeared for all my friends to conceive, and some actually complain about it.  I imagined my son, lonely, swinging on a swing.  I counted each month as another month between the ages of my first and second child.  It seemed the biggest thing I wanted was denied me.  I remember my friend's new born daughter was in grave danger of dying and I was thinking, I, too have suffered,  crazy as that seems.  Praying was fruitless.  Everyone (who knew my exact menstruation due date) told me to RELAX.  Of course!!! Why don't I try that?

My husband dutifully injected me monthly with hormones (big needles) and I had blood work (thank God I have big veins), went for ultrasounds, got inseminated and hoped and prayed for a baby.  It was around Thanksgiving and my brother and his fiance were visiting.  My husband and I took them to NYC  to pick out their engagement ring.  I could barely summon up any good feelings about their bright shiny future.  I was really struggling. It seemed like everyone was so care free.  Honestly, I was sick of myself.

Finally, finally, finally I reached a point where I changed my prayers to requests for peace; not be pregnant, not have a baby, not for a sign, but to feel inner peace with my life.  I thanked God for my beautiful son and all I was blessed with, and I decided to just let it all go. If my son was to be an only child, then so be it. We'll be okay. We can adopt or not.

About two weeks later I was walking through a grocery store throwing a pregnancy test in and out of the cart as I paced back and forth.  Am I nuts? I bought 3 tests.  I took one first thing in the morning - positive. But, I had walked away and maybe the test sat too long? Sometimes it can just turn positive if it sits long enough.  I took another later - negative. I knew it. (I had called my husband and told him  - no more waiting breathlessly to tell him "the news")  Finally I took one more test.  The little blue line was so faint that I couldn't tell.  I called the 800 number on the box and the nice lady on the phone told me, "Honey, if there's a line - you are pregnant."  So I was.

I had several ultrasounds as it progressed (one perk of infertility) and later found out she was a girl. I was so blissfully relieved to have a baby growing inside of me that I was happy either way. So did I just relax? yes.  I finally just, as my friend would put it, "dropped the banana" just let it fall off of my own shoulders and gave it up. How freeing! I realized that I can not will something to happen. The beautiful part was it finally felt easy.  I felt like Dorothy who could have gone home all along. But she did not  know it and neither did I.  I had to reach that point on my own.  I received the peace I did not know I even needed and happily I got both.

I hear her walking in right now. Thank God.

My First Blog

Inside I am screaming "My first blog!!!" but I know I have to start slowly so I decided to address my daily path to balance  ... my porch. This is the porch I have been dreaming of my whole life. I spend my mornings here, reading, writing, thinking and drinking hot coffee. Always hot, even in the summer.  I spend my evenings on this porch, usually with my husband, talking, watching the rain and having a glass of wine.  This porch brings me so much pleasure, its hard to describe. I feel very settled here. I sit with my feet up on a chair with my journal and pen, my computer, my phone and sometimes other reading material or lessons I need to plan. I've become quite spoiled by having this refuge and I feel a little decadent to devote this time to myself, but that is the point - to spend time with myself.  My mantra these days is "What do I want?" It is such a powerful question and it has taken me years to even consider this question or know I could even ask it. It brings me back to my core - my gut - my soul - the place where I am forced to listen and feel what is right for me. So a good day for me is the spend time here and allow myself to answer the question.

This is my view from the porch in Spring.  As I look out and (no one can see me - isn't that the best! no "oh hello!!! good morning!!! how are you today??" just me and my stuff and my thoughts), contemplate what my plan is for the day, I consider my responsibilities: work, family, friends, community and I really try to make my choices based on what I WANT. Not always easy to say no to people who demand of your time - but so satisfying in the long run.  Guess who benefits? everyone.  My children have a less anxious mother, my friends have a friend who wants to be there, my work is the best I can offer. I feel calmer. Whose life is it anyway?

So that is a step in the direction of my journey towards balance, just a small one, but its gets more powerful everyday.

Okay I don't sit on my porch during the winter (much) but its so pretty.

Ahhh, much better. We need some Fall pictures for inspiration - more the come...