I want to stay home

I have a friend who pushes me out of my comfort zone.  She is really interesting to watch because her comfort zone seems to be ever changing - maybe never really feeling comfortable at all is her zone. I am not one of those people. I strive for home, rest, food. My first instinct is to snuggle, not mingle.

I have a husband who is more social than I am. I am not saying I am antisocial, quite the opposite, what I am saying is many times I don't feel like being social. My husband likes sharing an evening with other people, chatting, throwing around ideas.  I am trying to figure out why I am continually searching for quiet.  Is it my own mind that feels chaotic?  Am I struggling to be peaceful by shutting out the world?  Something to ponder.

As a child I went through a period where I had no friends to call my own. It was a few months between friends, maybe a blip on the screen in a lifetime of friendships. However this time in my life affected me deeply.  I remember wanting it to rain. When it is raining, no one goes out, and no one gets together (I thought) and so staying home is something I would be doing anyway.  This way I could justify staying home with nothing to do. That feeling has never left me.  I associate comfort with rain.

What I have learned from my friend is that doing something new and unexpected has many benefits.  It exhilarates you.  Wow, going to a concert after a blizzard is really fun!  We wore cozy sweatpants and boots and braved the cold, white world.  I was rewarded. Recently, my sister was visiting and we arranged to meet in NYC for dinner.  It was raining steadily all day.  I texted her, trying to entice her to come to my cozy home.  No way!  she said, I love the rain and I need a cannoli! Okay then. Off we go. So instead of feeling secure in my home, we braved the rain and enjoyed an evening surrounded by lights, people, wine and great food (can you tell I am talking about Little Italy?)  We walked with our umbrellas, then even gave them up and just enjoyed the rain.

Last night on a Sunday (!!!) we went to friends and spent a lovely evening.  I enjoyed easy conversation and did not think of the time.  It is a learning experience for me to break out of my old habits.  I think my desire for comfort and rest is really a defensive technique that I devised years ago that just isn't relevant anymore. I am secure, I have friends, and thank God have all I need at home. I just do not have to run to it all the time. I have to remember that is is waiting for me to return  - from living.