My son Ryan was born in 1994 after 2 miscarriages, surgery and a 5 month dose of an estrogen suppressant drug called Depo Lupron. I finally conceived my son and 9 months after his birth was ready to start on the next one. I had been told that "pregnancy is the cure for endomitriosis" so I thought my days of infertility were over. After a routine check up at my gynecologist it was discovered that I had a grapefruit sized endomitrioma in my left ovary. Uh oh, another Laporascopy, which is a procedure that uses a tiny camera inserted into the belly button and smaller instruments inserted into the abdomen to laser endomitriosis adhesions and remove cysts. Very disappointing news, but since I had success the first time around, I was optimistic.
I had the procedure and proceeded to "try" but did not conceive. The cyst returned. During the course of this two year period I had 4 laporoscopies, each time removing a cyst that would show up again during the ultrasound. Each month I took follicle stimulating hormones to stimulate egg production and as we looked on the ultrasound for signs of ovulation, a glaring cyst would stare at us from the ultrasound. Looking back, I am baffled at how we could proceed with the conception process with this awful reoccurring cyst. My husband patiently underwent whatever was required of him and I persevered.
I began to resent how easy it appeared for all my friends to conceive, and some actually complain about it. I imagined my son, lonely, swinging on a swing. I counted each month as another month between the ages of my first and second child. It seemed the biggest thing I wanted was denied me. I remember my friend's new born daughter was in grave danger of dying and I was thinking, I, too have suffered, crazy as that seems. Praying was fruitless. Everyone (who knew my exact menstruation due date) told me to RELAX. Of course!!! Why don't I try that?
My husband dutifully injected me monthly with hormones (big needles) and I had blood work (thank God I have big veins), went for ultrasounds, got inseminated and hoped and prayed for a baby. It was around Thanksgiving and my brother and his fiance were visiting. My husband and I took them to NYC to pick out their engagement ring. I could barely summon up any good feelings about their bright shiny future. I was really struggling. It seemed like everyone was so care free. Honestly, I was sick of myself.
Finally, finally, finally I reached a point where I changed my prayers to requests for peace; not be pregnant, not have a baby, not for a sign, but to feel inner peace with my life. I thanked God for my beautiful son and all I was blessed with, and I decided to just let it all go. If my son was to be an only child, then so be it. We'll be okay. We can adopt or not.
About two weeks later I was walking through a grocery store throwing a pregnancy test in and out of the cart as I paced back and forth. Am I nuts? I bought 3 tests. I took one first thing in the morning - positive. But, I had walked away and maybe the test sat too long? Sometimes it can just turn positive if it sits long enough. I took another later - negative. I knew it. (I had called my husband and told him - no more waiting breathlessly to tell him "the news") Finally I took one more test. The little blue line was so faint that I couldn't tell. I called the 800 number on the box and the nice lady on the phone told me, "Honey, if there's a line - you are pregnant." So I was.
I had several ultrasounds as it progressed (one perk of infertility) and later found out she was a girl. I was so blissfully relieved to have a baby growing inside of me that I was happy either way. So did I just relax? yes. I finally just, as my friend would put it, "dropped the banana" just let it fall off of my own shoulders and gave it up. How freeing! I realized that I can not will something to happen. The beautiful part was it finally felt easy. I felt like Dorothy who could have gone home all along. But she did not know it and neither did I. I had to reach that point on my own. I received the peace I did not know I even needed and happily I got both.
I hear her walking in right now. Thank God.
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