Is this normal? Screaming at my mother and crying uncontrollably? yelling at my boss at work and getting suspended? hating everything about myself and trying on a thousand different outfits and still not feeling right. Feeling sad and not knowing why. That was me as a teenager. Is this normal? only feeling all right two weeks out of every month? That was me in college. How about this? feeling so stressed out that I had to go in my room and breathe deeply so I wouldn't feel like I was losing my mind? screaming at my little children for nothing. That was me in my thirties.
All of this is my life long struggle with PMS. Literally I could separate my moods into pre-menstrual, menstrual and post menstrual and pin point exactly when I would feel normal. Premenstrual - insecure, ugly, fat, moody, emotional, hateful and miserable. Menstrual - bloated, headachy, crampy with a subtle elevation in mood. Post menstrual - happy, me, the Karen everyone seemed to know and enjoy. I found out when I was 20 that this existence is not normal. I explained my cycle of moods to my two friends and when I was finished, they looked at me like I was crazy. What? that's not normal?
The pill - I was on it for five years. I felt different - calmer, but different. When I went off the pill, I felt more like myself. I did not connect this to PMS. I felt crazy again, but more like me. After going off the pill, I could never find a birth control pill that felt even remotely okay again.
Herbs, vitamins, supplements - tried them all - the only one I liked was St. John's Wort but that completely killed my sex drive. Crazy = sexy? Chose crazy not zombie.
Diet - Guess what? sugar makes you crazy. Definitely contributes to mood swings. NO MORE SUGAR. I went 4 glorious months with absolutely no sugar (boy did I have a flat tummy) but on Halloween I ate a Three Musketeer bar and BAM - back on sugar. I know, its not cocaine but felt kind of like it. Just not sustainable for me. Wanted it to work. Really did.
Exercise - I love exercise and I do it regularly and have for over 15 years. Does not eradicate PMS. I'm just saying.
Psychologist - Okay, did try that for the first time at age 38, and that my friends was the first tiny step towards my extremely long and unfinished journey to sanity.
The people in my life who know me and love me would not express surprise to read of my struggle. But there may be many people who know me who would. I seem to be together, even confident, and I guess I am. The secret is that my PMS self is carefully hidden, alone and secluded; only coming out to those who live with me or who dare to enter my cave during that time. Those who have entered usually choose to not enter again till Spring or (post-menstrual).
My mother told me panic attacks and anxiety are gifts - they let you know that something is really bothering you. I had my first panic attack after driving over the Goethals Bridge to Long Island, NY. (its a really narrow bridge by the way - just saying) I felt like I had no feet, that I could drive off the road, sweaty palms, beating heart, the whole thing. It was terrifying and I felt like I limped to my destination, which was to visit my sister. And do you know what I learned? the fear of a panic attack is worse than having a panic attack. So that is what propelled me to seek some help.
This story continues..
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