Search for Balance - Work

I wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember and it took a little longer to get there, but that was almost 17 years ago.  When I became a mother I felt that I had finally arrived; that I had found what I am supposed to be doing.  The joy I received from this round, fat baby everyday was what I was waiting for.  Yet I still wasn't balanced. I mean who is at that time in their lives? My life was about this baby. Getting him out the door to do anything was a feat, keeping him occupied during long afternoons was my new job.  I was alone a lot due to my husband's job and I felt kind of lonely. Through those years I searched for something that would make me feel fulfilled - and balanced.  I tried selling toys (like Avon, but toys) which involved scheduling "parties", hauling toys, filling out paperwork, trying to get busy women to host their own parties - none of it was fun for me except the actual time I spent with the moms. (one time I forgot to clean the toys and after a party the next group of kids suspiciously all caught the same nasty stomach virus. oops.)  That lasted a year and I ended up with a lot of toys for my own little boy.

I tried teaching gymnastics (no experience) at our local gym.  By now I had two kids who I dragged with me. That worked for a while until my son refused to go. He still had to come, but not fun.  Now this is me looking for balance  - not making a hefty pay check. Wasn't worth it.

I was obviously looking for something - that elusive balance - but what does that mean?  Something that fulfilled me personally, allowed me to be a mom, but also be me. Being a mother is the most fulfilling role I will ever have, but it also is strongly dedicated to service, (as in me serving every body).  I did not yet have the knowledge that nourishing me nourishes every one else too (talk about that later on) So I struggled, feeling stressed and anxious; never done with work but not having anything to call me own.  I always read in self help books that your dream job or life's work should be something that when you are working on it, you lose track of time.  Watching Oprah totally did that for me - not an option; reading, painting a room, eating cake, taking a shower.  There was nothing I had ever done that filled me with deep satisfaction and a blissful loss of time awareness.

On top of all this, there is the element of fear.  Trying something new is scary.  Although I was certified to teach elementary school, I had my son before I got a job as an actual teacher.  I was qualified with no experience and as the time went by became less confident in my ability to teach or even survive a class room. Also, was I going to leave my kids home and teach? Not doing it.

There was a period in my life where decorating, rearranging rooms, painting,  and refinishing furniture satisfied me.  It is true transforming a room gives me a sense of accomplishment and contentment, but as a career it was not my answer. I do not think that my gifts are in creating spaces for other people, however much I enjoy it for myself.

My life became busy. We moved 3 times in 6 years - one of those moves taking us across the country to the West Coast. There is nothing like a life change to throw you off balance.

And so I searched....

Beautiful California