Know When to Say When

On Tuesday I have an appointment with a surgeon.  In order to prepare for this appointment I have had an MRI of my pelvis, ultrasounds (same area), blood work, gynecological exam, conversations, referrals and a lot of pondering.

I am considering a hysterectomy.

An ultimate search for balance? The story here is a long one that began at puberty. Medically speaking you can say I have suffered from endomitriosis my whole adult life.  It is an invasive condition, causing infertility and discomfort, as well as inconvenience. It is possible for some women to experience little or no symptoms, but in my case I have been acutely aware of it.  Without going into gory details that are not necessary, let's just say I have had enough.

The question here, aside from medical necessity, (to be determined by surgeon) is whether I feel worthy to make this leap.  Have I suffered enough? Do I deserve to be free of these womanly organs that have allowed me to produce two monumentally fabulous human beings?

It is a decision I have to make based solely on my own personal experience and I need to decide whether I have really had enough.  My gynecologist tells me menopause is right around the corner (which is a comfort?) With menopause comes the end of estrogen which fuels endomitriosis.  This should mean that my symptoms disappear.  To me that doesn't seem like a clean conclusion. It feels like a slow painful death after a life time of suffering (that is metaphorically speaking of course).  My idea is to make a clean break - get rid of all of it - hormones, organs, bleeding, swelling, soreness.  I may not even publish this. Is it too gross?

It just brings up many feelings that have to do with worthiness; that have to do with strength, perseverance, and self love.  Nobody knows my journey because it is mine. Nobody should make this decision, because it is mine. That's scary. Would it be easier if a doctor told me "you need to do this"? I would say yes and no. In the past I have been told to have a hysterectomy. I have scheduled the procedure on two separate occasions only to reconsider. The decision, I realized, is ultimately mine. I chose not to have a hysterectomy and have sought out other paths to balance (which I have discussed and will more in the future!)  I  listened to my heart which was filled with dread and fear when faced with actually proceeding with the surgery.  It feels different this time, more settled, still intensely scary, but maybe time.

So now the discussion will be about me (yes me - all about me), a less invasive approach (an option not offered to me in the past) and whether it is the right choice for me. Now.  So I will let you know what I decide. Will I decide?