Balance - Relationships

Relationships are hard. They require honesty, not only with the other person, but with oneself.  My struggle for balance is ongoing in my relationships as I strive to get to know myself. Case in point, my mother.  I could stop right there couldn't I? There, I said it, my mother.  The person who gave me life, taught me to love, fed me, clothed me and called me beautiful.  I know every daughter who is is lucky enough to grow up with a mom has a complicated history. I say lucky, not with a wink, because even though I have mommy issues, I had a mother, and I will always be grateful for that.

Okay, mommy issues. I am stalling aren't I? Well, its been some years since I have seen my mother in the flesh (11) and many months since I have spoken to my mother.  She is not an evil person, quite the opposite, but I have been at a stand still as to how to continue our relationship.

I have been the "good girl" my entire life; living with the satisfaction of knowing I am good, I did good. Check list of non-slutty behavior in college, there for my friends, obedient daughter, always a smile. What I noticed in my life was a pattern; I was the ever present friend, enthusiastic, helpful, compromising, encouraging, until one day I would lose my mind and have a blow out fight or some other dramatic occurrence, and then I would be DONE. By the time this happened, I was so relieved not to play my role of good friend, that I had no regrets. I would move on feeling free.  I would blame them. "look what they did to me, they didn't appreciate me, they took advantage of me." That may all have been true, but if it was, then it was completely my fault.

Point here: I allowed myself to be lost in these friendships; giving all I had and expecting what? reciprocation? No one could ever give me as much as I needed and they did not ask for it. It was pressure I put upon myself to by good for everyone until I couldn't do it anymore and that poor friend didn't know what hit them.   My older, more self knowing self is more aware of my propensity for this giving too much/wanting too much and so I am learning how to balance my relationships. How do I do this? (This may be the easiest thing for so many people, but for me still new),  I am honest.

I give because it makes me feel right, but temper it when it feels like too much. I put myself on my list of friends. I need a lot of attention, so I give it to myself.  I have really wonderful friends and thank God they love me, but they know that sometimes I am not "on" and they accept it. That's real and honest.

My biggest relationship is with my mother and I have not figured out how to be honest, so I have run away; not stalked away, not stomped away, but scurried away like a scared little rabbit. Mommys are harder. As a daughter I need to be loved, appreciated and understood, as a daughter I also need to be understanding, supportive and forgiving. ALL AT THE SAME TIME. That's kind of hard for me.  That's really hard for me. Still a good girl, but a wounded girl. In this unique relationship with my mom, I have given my heart and soul to be good, but I compromised myself.  I began to crumble under the weight of my need to be understanding, listening, helping a person who is never going to be full on her own.

So I sit in my rabbit hole enjoying my rabbit family and my little animal friends, but my mother and my future relationship with her waits in the big house (okay, this metaphor stuff in getting too much). What I am saying is my life is going on rather well, but missing completeness that I believe I will feel when I can be real. I feel it is close. I feel it is far away. I feel it is hard, but so simple.  Call.